Loving husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

Punjabi Shers

Innhan Chann Te Tareya Da Kasoor Koi Na,
Saddi Kundli Che Rahu Ketu Aaye Hoye Ne,
Saanu jehde Sohne aaunde ne pasand mitron,
Jaan Taan Nakhra Ni Maan, jaan Kise Hor Ne Fasaye Hoye Ne......!!!



Raat de hanereya cho leke syaahi..
Te gore chann di paa ke gwaahi..
Chhupp te kore kagaz te ..
dil jaan tere naa kar jaava
je tu bhullen.. tu jiyondi rahen..
jein mein bhullan, mein marr jaavan !!

Kewl Graffities

Official Project Stages:
---------------------------------
Uncritical Acceptance
Wild Enthusiasm
Dejected Disillusionment
Total Confusion
Search for the Guilty
Punishment of the Innocent
Promotion of the Non-participants


FOOT: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.
PHILOSOPHY: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
SLEEP: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.


And out of the chaos, a voice spoke:
"Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse".
And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse...


I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem


The game of life has three rules:
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't get out of the game.


Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Females do pursue me, if you count mosquitoes.
If necessity is the mother of invention. Then laziness must be the father.
Everyone has the right to be ugly, but some people abuse the privilege.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
A thousand million flies can't be wrong - eat shit.
Dead people are cool.
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!
Cancer cures smoking."
Why does free love cost so much?"
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
When your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep is your downfall.
If a turtle loses his shell is he naked or homeless????
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
Evil spelled backward is live.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If you hear a gunshot, you have not been hit. Bullets travel faster than sound.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Always borrow money from pessimists, they never will expect it back.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax???
Due to management cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will now be switched off.
Wife and dog missing. Reward for the dog.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would have farted.
Guys are like parking lots, all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Funny

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up!

"Tribulation and trial? Laugh and smile!" :-)

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines.

All generalizations are false.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Bother, said Pooh as Beavis and Butt-Head roasted Piglet

Bother said Pooh as the pin fell out of the grenade

Bother, said Pooh as Satan laid his soul to waste.

Bother, said Pooh, and then he deleted his source code.

Do not adjust your mind, the fault is with reality.

Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps.

Do not disturb. I'm already quite disturbed

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it!

The worst thing about censorship is #############.

There is an exception to every rule, except this one.

There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting

These more than one way to skin a cat. Get a sander!

Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.

Wanna read a good horror novel? Get a history book!

Why doesn't copy and paste work on my checkbook?

Writing a book is a novel idea.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

OXYMORON : Business ethics

Support your local coroner -- die strangely.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Talk is cheap because supply is greater than demand.

Talk is cheap. Using a modem gets expensive.

Telling teenagers the facts of life is like bathing a fish

AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse

After all is said and done, usually more is said then done

After all is said and done, there's usually a sequel

All the world's a stage, and I have stage fright!

All things in moderation, including moderation!

Aloof

THE irresponsive silence of the land,     
The irresponsive sounding of the sea,     
Speak both one message of one sense to me.
Aloof, aloof, we stand aloof, so stand     
Thou too aloof, bound with the flawless band   
Of inner solitude; we bind not thee;     
But who from thy self-chain shall set thee free?     
What heart shall touch thy heart? What hand thy hand?     
And I am sometimes proud and sometimes meek,     
And sometimes I remember days of old
When fellowship seem'd not so far to seek,     
And all the world and I seem'd much less cold,     
And at the rainbow's foot lay surely gold,     
And hope felt strong, and life itself not weak

--
By: Christina Georgina Rossetti

Remember

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,     
Gone far away into the silent land;     
When you can no more hold me by the hand,     
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.     
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:     
Only remember me; you understand     

It will be late to counsel then or pray.     
Yet if you should forget me for a while     
And afterwards remember, do not grieve.
For if the darkness and corruption leave     

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,     
Better by far you should forget and smile     
Than that you should remember and be sad.

--
By: Christina Georgina Rossetti

Jokes From A Male Perspective

Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? Their target audience is women.

What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomanic 18 year old girlfriend.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.

Why do women have mid-life crises? Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to.

How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Sex, stupidity.

What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift? Trade her in for two 20 year olds.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.

What's the difference between a wife and a job. After 5 years, the job still sucks.

Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera? Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.

Jokes From A Female Perspective

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

One Liners - Men to Women

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the hell is a doily?

One Liners - Why

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How did a fool and his money get together?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

One Liners - Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?
  Gifted.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
  "What Men Know About Women"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  One ... men will screw anything.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
  He eats beans for dinner.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
  A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
  He's breathing.

What's the difference between men an government bonds?
  Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
  Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
  They are both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
  Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
  We don't know .... it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
  The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
  Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
  E.T. phoned home.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
  A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
  I can do better.

What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
  A man's undivided attention.

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
  1. No mind. 2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
  Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get,
  and how long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
  He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
  They irritate the shit out of you.

Why do men name their penises?
  Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who
  makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
  Because those men already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
  He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
  It's sex with someone they love.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
  The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
  Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the
  stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
  A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
  "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"

Why did God create man?
  Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
  So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

One Liners - Wife stuff

"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"

I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...

My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."

Communication

Conversation between the Senior Staff member and the President...
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

President: Staff! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Staff: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

President: Great. Lay it on me.
Staff: Hu is the new leader of China.

President: That's what I want to know.
Staff: That's what I'm telling you.

President: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Staff: Yes.

President: I mean the fellow's name.
Staff: Hu.

President: The guy in China.
Staff: Hu.

President: The new leader of China.
Staff: Hu.

President: The Chinaman!
Staff: Hu is leading China.

President: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Staff: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

President: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Staff: That's the man's name.

President: That's who's name?
Staff: Yes.

President: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Staff: Yes, sir.

President: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Staff: That's correct.

President: Then who is in China?
Staff: Yes, sir.

President: Yassir is in China?
Staff: No, sir.

President: Then who is?
Staff: Yes, sir.

President: Yassir?
Staff: No, sir.

President: Look, Staff. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Staff: Kofi?

President: No, thanks.
Staff: You want Kofi?

President: No.
Staff: You don't want Kofi.

President: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.And then get me the U.N.
Staff: Yes, sir.

President: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Staff: Kofi?

President: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Staff: And call who?

President: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Staff: Hu is the guy in China.

President: Will you stay out of China?!
Staff: Yes, sir.

President: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Staff: Kofi.

President: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Staff picks up the phone.)
Staff: Rice, here.

President: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

tenjewberrymuds

Read this on some time back. I had to wipe the tears from my keyboard. To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've g ot it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: Copy?
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome.

In the Quest of my Life

In the Quest of my life
difficult times i will find
dont leave me then
hold my hand
give me strength

In the Quest of my life
the light will go low
be my light
be my glow
show me the path

In the Quest of my life
Things will not make sense
make me understand
Tell me what to do
Be my guide

In the Quest of my life
I will make mistakes
Explain things to me
forgive me
make me wise

In the Quest of my life
In the Quest of my life

Meaning Of Life

Life is meant for experiencing, thinking, feeling, loving, making the effort, contemplating, growing, striving, analyzing, enjoying, glorifying, and most importantly, living passionately!
Of course that can�t be done without awareness, empathy, equanimity, authenticity, and appreciation combined with zest for the exuberance of existence.
-Anonymous 

Beloved

I am still stained in her beautiful smell. She is fabulous. 

I Love Her

I am talking to her right now. And i am feeling at peace with myself. I love her.